2 Steps Forward - 1 Step Back

Happy New Year! The slogan this year is “Don’t be mean in ’17.” I like it! As my 8 year old daughter would say, “I dig it.” 

One of my all time favorite quotes is, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” The first time I saw this quote was when reading the book, Love Warrior by Glennon Doyle Melton. I read the entire book out loud to my mom during our 6 hour road trip from home to Rochester, Minnesota. We were on our second or third trip back to Mayo with high hopes for answers. 

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Ponder that, would ya? I’ve had several people throughout my journey say to me, “Things could be much worse.” You know that horrific sound of fingernails on a chalkboard? That comment is identical to that sound! Make it stop!

I’ve never understood why people say that. In my 28 years of existence this is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Things could be worse? I’d say they’re pretty bad.

I’m not trying to be negative. What I’m trying to say is… Everyone is fighting a battle - just like the quote says. Whether it’s Lyme Disease, cancer, finances, bullying, addiction, depression, etc. - no one’s field is clear. It would be foolish to try and measure ones battle to another having never walked in that person’s shoes. That’s why I think battles are measureless. 

I met my sister, Sally, at an 8:45 Fusion class Monday morning. Across the room stood a beautiful bald woman with a baseball cap on. I wondered what her morning previous to class looked like… Did she wake up on her own? Was she forced to get out of bed and exercise? How did she feel? Did she take a lot of medicine before she came? What kind of cancer did she have? What motivates her to keep fighting the good fight? 

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about… I woke up and fainted Monday morning. The first 10 minutes of class all I could think about was throwing up. The 30 pills I had swallowed on my drive to Fusion were sitting in the middle of my throat. What did my day look like after class? My home nurse came by the house to draw weekly labs and check vitals. I fainted for a second time after dinner. It took over an hour before I could sit up. My doctor was assisting via speaker phone throughout the whole ordeal. We decided to go to the ER considering the amount of pain I had in my chest. I fainted for a third time into my dad’s arms trying to get from my bedroom to the garage. 

My mom went with me to the ER and my dad stayed home with the girls. Right when I got there, they wanted a urine sample - nothing like trying to “tinkle” in a cup while spitting up in a trash can all at the same time. I was a site to be seen! I fainted for a fourth time walking from the bathroom back to my wheelchair.

The doctor came in right away and told us they were going to start with an EKG and CBC. I had 2 doses of Morphine and 1 dose of the “big guns” stuff before I started to feel any relief at all. The nurse told me the “big guns” stuff would make me go to Lala Land but, unfortunately, I never traveled there. I did, however, close my eyes for a minute and when I opened them up again, Blake was in the room. That was a sweet surprise! 

The doctor said my EKG was abnormal. He said I have a prolonged QT. This would explain my racing heart and chest pain. He said it wasn’t necessary to be admitted but I needed to be seen outpatient by a cardiologist. My fainting spells are caused by lack of blood to the brain - provoked by insufficient blood pumped out from the heart. They call this particular arrhythmia, “Twisting of the Points.” Well alrighty then. 

I don’t think I ever really knew what true disappointment felt like until yesterday happened. I’m talking about the kind of disappointment that leaves you feeling stuck and suffocated in your own body. Sadly, there’s no way out. We’ve got one life and this is mine and there’s no escaping sickness. 

But why? Why is this happening? My Lyme doctor called yesterday and told me my Rocky Mountain numbers went up. Nope, that wasn’t a typo - my numbers went up. Bad news kept coming yesterday… I’m currently off treatment completely until I meet with the cardiologist on Thursday. When I start treatment again, we’re going to slow things down. My doctor said we’re going to take 1 disease at a time - increasing the 2 year treatment plan to God only knows how long now. 

I’m no longer optimistic. Today I’m flooded with regret. I wasted so many healthy days of my life with irrelevant people, being unproductive and unappreciative of my strength. What I would give to have a normal healthy day! 

I get upset when I think about the people in my life who are deprived of my time and energy right now. A mother is a daughter’s best friend. What do my girls think? Is this the only thing Addison is going to remember from her childhood? The hardest part about all of this is knowing they’re needing more of me but not being able to do a thing about it. There are days when mommy just cannot put together another puzzle, read another book, take to school, pick up from school, make dinner, etc. - it sucks. I feel like I’m failing at the most important job in the entire world. 

Oh and poor Blake… I’m stumped why that amazing man continues to stick around. He deserves so much more than what I’m capable of giving him right now. I thank the big man upstairs everyday for bringing Blake to me when he did… When all of this is over, I will spend the rest of my life making up for the girlfriend duties I shorted Blake during this time. 

So next time you find yourself getting irritated or impatient with a bad driver or a slow checker at the grocery store when you’re already 10 minutes late - remember, everyone has a story. Don’t be mean in ’17!

Better days ahead I hope!