December

Holy smoke! It’s been a chaotic December! The doctor altered my medications and recommended I start detoxing. The 1,000 medications, IV’s and injections have become routine. The black and blue spots on my stomach no longer bother me. I’ve mastered swallowing 10 horse pills at a time. The detox methods that were suggested are all bearable - we can discuss colonics at a later date. 

My kitchen pantry looks like a pharmacy. Between the IV tubing, saline/heparin syringes, shots, antibiotic IV bags, lactated ringer IV bags, dressing packages, port needles, medication bottles and other medical related things - I don’t know how we’re able to fit food in there. 

I was in the hospital at the beginning of the month because my port was infected. I woke up with a swollen neck and clavicle. I went to the ER and was immediately admitted and put on MORE antibiotics to prevent the infection from getting into my bloodstream. They removed the port and placed a PICC line in my left arm. 

After my 3 night stay in the hospital - I was dispirited and overwhelmed. I had a million things to do at home and had yet to begin my Christmas shopping. Spending too much time in a hospital bed always leaves me drained of all energy. It usually takes a few days to bounce back. 

I started working at Fusion on Wednesday mornings. I’m not instructing so that part stinks but I’m in the presence of the Fusion community and I’m in the studio. I need to go a month hospital-free before returning to Fusion to teach. At the rate I’m going, I’ll never teach a class again. 

Last Monday, Blake (my boyfriend - details below) and I were hanging out at his place when all of a sudden my left arm started throbbing. I kept waiting for the throbbing sensation to go away but it never subsided. I decided to call my home nurse who then recommended I go to the ER and have my arm looked at. The arm that was hurting was the arm that had the PICC line so, of course, they pulled the line and admitted me since the site looked red and my arm had so much discomfort. 

The next day, I had another port placed in the same spot my old port was placed. They did an ultrasound in the recovery room where they discovered I had a large blood clot in my left arm where the PICC line had been. I didn’t take the news of the blood clot very well. I laid there crying, unable to look up at my mom. I squeezed her hand hard and began to cry harder. I didn’t want anymore bad news. I wanted someone to tell me my Lyme Disease was gone. I didn’t want anymore pain or suffering. I wanted to feel alive again. It’s awful how powerless you feel lying horizontal in a hospital bed with cardboard sheets wrapped around your body and nurses and doctors standing tall above you delivering shitty news. 

I was put on blood thinners (another 2x/day injection in the belly) for 3 months. After I did my first injection and saw the kind of bruising these injections were about to leave, I had to remind myself, this could be so much worse!

The day after I was discharged I started having horrible chest pain. Blake and I went to the ER to have everything checked out. They did a CT scan of my chest which showed up to be normal. Luckily there was no admittance with that visit. Friday afternoon, December 23rd, I was out doing last minute Christmas shopping when I noticed my port site and dressing were covered in blood. I called my home nurse who then met me at my house to take a look at it. The nurse de-accessed my port and told me I had a pocket of blood right above the port site. He didn’t want to re-access the port because I would likely bleed again. He said I needed to go to the ER because the pocket wouldn’t stop bleeding. AGAIN? 

It was 1:00 PM and my family had plans to go to 5:00 PM church then cocktails and dinner at my sister’s house. I didn’t want to miss out on the Christmas festivities. I quickly jumped in my car and drove to the ER where I met Blake. The doctor ordered an ultrasound on my chest which showed I had a large hematoma over my port. The surgeon who placed my port didn’t want to drain the blood pocket since my port placement had taken place only 2 days prior. I was told I needed to keep the port de-accessed for at least a week and to switch to oral meds temporarily. Blake and I left the ER at 4:10 and were at church by 5:20 - not too bad if I do say so myself (coming from someone who takes 45 minute showers). 

After church, everyone went to my sister’s house. There is absolutely NOTHING I love more than spending time with my entire family. I have the most amazing parents and sisters in the world. We drank wine (lots of it), played games (inappropriate ones), ate lots of food (not ashamed) and had wonderful conversation. I left my sister’s house Friday night with a happy heart. Not only was I thankful to be out of the hospital but I was appreciative for the people that make up my family and I was proud to be apart of such an incredible group. 

Saturday, Christmas Eve, we met at the bowling alley. Every Christmas Eve we go bowling - it’s a family tradition. We bowl a few games, drink beer and eat greasy bowling alley appetizers. It’s great! I brought my A-game this year… I’m pretty proud of my overall performance. I broke my record score of 50! We had a lot of fun and it was exciting to share this family tradition with Blake. 

After bowling, everyone went home to regroup before meeting at my parents house for dinner. Blake and I went to Target to get stocking stuffers where I accidentally dropped my phone in the gosh darn toilet. So frustrating! My luck these days - nonexistent! 

Christmas Eve night was a blast. The girls had a dance party in the kitchen while the boys conversed in the living room (BORING). The smiles on my girls faces while dancing with them was pure bliss. Having the energy to jump around, pick them up and spin in circles hasn’t been there in quite some time. I never want to lose that ability again. Dancing is so healing for the soul. Even if you aren’t good at it - just dance! 

After our crazy dance party, I remember sitting on the couch with Blake, telling him how my chest hurt and it was difficult to breathe. Next thing I remember is being wheeled out of the ambulance into a hospital room. My sister said I went to my parents room and laid down on their bed. I told her I felt like I was going to have a seizure and I was shaking. After that I was no longer responsive. 911!

Blake and my mom followed the ambulance and were able to come back with me once they finished my EKG. I was in excruciating pain and scared to death. I, once again, had no recollection of what happened and was unhappy to be back in the hospital. I was worried about my girls and how they handled seeing their mom be carried out of the house on a stretcher unconscious. I didn’t want to be away from them and was fearful I wouldn’t be present on Christmas morning. I felt horrible. Every inch of my body hurt. I was embarrassed. Who all saw my seizure? I doubt I look attractive in those moments of misery. Did Blake see? Is he going to peace out now that he’s seen how bad my Lyme Disease can get? So many thoughts going through my mind - all these bright lights - such a short hospital bed - such scratchy blankets… 

I couldn’t open my eyes at first. I wanted everything to disappear. I wanted this entire thing to be a dream - one big, bad dream. I couldn’t get comfortable no matter how many times I changed positions on the bed. I lay with my head buried in the pillow and cried out to my mom, oblivious to Blake’s presence in the room at this time. Why is this happening? I don’t want to do this anymore! I can’t do this anymore! I’m miserable! I want everything to go away! 

It sucks… I’ve had really great days lately. No, I never have a day where I feel “back to normal” but I’ve been having positive, productive days and it’s been incredibly refreshing. There are days where I can go until bedtime without stopping and other days where I start to hurt by dinner time. The sucky part is having acceptable days and then feeling sick again for an extended period of time. It’s so discouraging. My mom says it’s like taking 2 steps forward and one step back. I cannot catch a friggin’ break. 

In the hospital Christmas Eve night, they checked the blood clot in my arm which appeared to be resolving. Deep relief! They didn’t want to do another CT scan of my chest because of too much radiation. My chest x-ray looked fine and my EKG was normal. It was likely that I had another atypical seizure and that my chest and arm were sore from the clot and hematoma. I was home by 2 AM… I stuffed the girls’ stockings, exchanged Christmas presents with Blake, took a sleeping pill and passed out with visions of sugarplums dancing in my head. Twas’ the night before Christmas!

Today was a good day. The girls were excited I was home and were thrilled with all their presents. I took a long nap and ended my day with a charcoal bath. I’m thankful to be home and to be alive. I saw this canvas the other day that I really liked - it said “Do not forget a single blessing.” I’m going through a lot of crap but I also have many many blessings for which I am grateful.  

So who is this Blake character all you nosey people are wondering? I met Blake in May of 2015. We “dated” for a short period of time before realizing I wasn’t ready to be in a relationship. I was fresh out of a break up and needed time to heal and figure myself out. He and I continued the communication but saw less and less of each other. He and I started talking more regularly this winter and finally hung out the beginning of the month. 

He is, by far, the most chivalrous man I have ever met. Talk about a TRUE gentleman! He opens my car door, helps me put on my coat, never let’s my glass go empty, witty, handsome, considerate, extremely attentive and SO selfless! I am very smitten! Even if I don’t marry Blake - I hope to marry someone exactly like him. He reminds me so much of my dad. My dad is the greatest man in the world… And Blake is pretty darn close to that! 

I should probably wrap things up now. My Christmas wish for you is good health and the appreciation for it every single day! Merry Christmas!